Providing context in regards to my religiosity. (if it’s not a word, it should be)
My introduction to religion was via my father (step-father who adopted me as his) who was Jewish. I had my immersion in the mikveh when I was 6 I believe. We weren’t religiously observant, we celebrated some of the holidays at my Jewish grandparents, but my mom got her dream each year of having a Christmas tree, and we celebrated what people would think of as Christian holidays, although my mom was not religious in any way. She just loved the joys of Christmas/Easter etc, the baking, the decorating. She would go all out and make the holidays beautiful. she still does. All I knew of Jesus was from Jesus Christ Superstar. Sometimes I would pray to God when I wanted my mom to say yes to a sleepover. “God, if you let my mom say yes to a sleepover at Holly’s tonight I’ll be good forever!”
As a teen I was baptised Roman Catholic because I made great choices as a teenager (sooo much sarcasm) and became ‘with child’ from a Roman Catholic guy. His family weren’t thrilled I was Jewish and wanted me to become Catholic. So – I did. I liked the Mary part of it, Mary Mother of God, was someone I prayed to a lot during that time. The church didn’t want to baptise our child because the father and I weren’t married in the church – the church had refused to marry us until I was 18, wise on their end, but a Justice of the Peace was willing enough and my parents had signed. The church didn’t want to baptise our child because the father and I weren’t married in the church. The church had refused to marry us until I was 18, wise on their end, but a Justice of the Peace was willing enough and my parents had signed. But after my marriage failed (such a surprise) I ran away from the husband and the church.
Life passed and I had explored Paganism, Wicca, Gnosticism and Druidry. When I moved to a new city, and was still romancing Gnosticism, I developed an interest in Christianity outside of Catholicism and started attending a little Anglican church.
So, if one were to look back in my blog here, they would see bits here and there about my time at that Anglican church. I began to work there I believe in 2012 doing custodial and some social media/website/mailings etc. Mostly volunteer. After a few years, life got busy and I stopped working there, but still attended from time to time. They were the Priest and Deacon that led the funeral of my daughter, and buried her in 2016 I didn’t attend much after that for a few years.
I came back to the church to work there as office Admin not long before covid, and attended as well. It was a new priest, and the deacon was leaving. My problem this time round, alongside some parish in-bickering and drama that stole the sacredness a bit, was that during the time I had been away, I had done more studies on Religious Literature – mostly Christian, Christiain history, and really had just dived into the nerdy side of religion. So, when I wrote the bulletins (the pamphlets passed out at each service that contained the readings/songs etc) I was very aware of the passages that had gone on to spur Jew-hatred, anti semitism and genocide. The passages that created the idea of Jews being guilty of Deicide – especially at Easter. And since I was still studying church history, I was aware of the early church fathers and their remarks against the Jews.
Examples: Justin Martyr – replacement theology, the true spiritual Israel
The custom of circumcising the flesh, handed down from Abraham, was given to you as a distinguishing mark, to set you off from other nations and from us Christians. The purpose of this was that you and only you might suffer the afflictions that are now justly yours; that only your land be desolated, and your cities ruined by fire, that the fruits of your land be eaten by strangers before your very eyes; that not one of you be permitted to enter your city of Jerusalem. Your circumcision of the flesh is the only mark by which you can certainly be distinguished from other men. . . . As I stated before, it was by reason of your sins and the sins of your fathers that, among other precepts, God imposed upon you the observance of the Sabbath as a mark.
Martin Luther : The Jews and Their Lies
Origen blames the Jewish race for the death of Jesus, Chrystostom says the synagogue is worse than a brothel, and said he hated the Jews. He wrote Against the Jews, and even preached that God hates the Jews, and since their murder of Jesus theres been no time for repentance.
This really bothered me, and realizing that Jesus was a Jew, I felt that if I was to truly follow him, I should return to Judaism, but really learn about it for the first time, really give myself to it. . After all, the only scriptures Jesus used were from what we call the Torah, and were things that Hillel and others were teaching during those days . Another huge reason. This person of Jesus who I admired was Jewish, so maybe Judaism was the right path for me after all! – I didn’t believe Jesus literally died and rose, and I did not believe he died for our sins, and I was tired of saying ‘Well I’m Christian but not THAT kind of Christian” in the face of rising Christian Nationalism all throughout the interwebs.
So I finally returned to Judaism. It was a beautiful three years of Jewish religious studies, Shabbat every weekend, Kippahs and Tallit, no shellfish, no pork, reading Torah and learning Hebrew. Benny Friedman playing on my spotify, Jewish Tunez playlist. It was great. Then, October 7th, while leaving the cemetery on the anniversary of my daughter’s death, Hamas happened. Everything changed.
At first I was just as sympathetic for Israel as my synagogue was. I followed all the pro-Israel folk on social media, I shared stories about how Israel was being unfairly blamed for defending themselves etc. I was very invested in this emotionally. As things progressed though, my heart started to ache. Too many children, too much death. The death toll rose, and although I questioned the actual numbers that were being released by Palestinian authorities, seeing the destruction, and listening to Netanyahu’s reasonings, I realized I just didn’t support this anymore. After a time I was embarrassed that they focused so much on brining hostages home when mothers in Palestine still have dead children they could not hold, buried under rubble. YES I wanted them released but I also wanted the Palestinian children safe. At some point the retaliation was becoming worse than that which instigated it.
I was already going to synagogue less because of work schedules, so there had been a bit less connection with community, but the feeling of distanced increased during this war. I realized I was neglecting the holidays (though always honour Shabbat). I started questioning the holidays. did I really even believe that there was an Exodus? Did i really believe in each of the stories of Torah? no…. nor did many of the Reform Jews I knew. The stories were tribal tales, community tales, told by many people over sooo many thousands of years, to describe their understanding of God, the Universe and their place in it. Stories based on events that possibly happened.
I had the thought one day – ” All religions are made up. Stories of the God they know. So, if they are all made up, does it matter which I choose? What I am actually choosing is the religion that’s understanding of God is closest to my own.”
Judaism is rough like that because there isn’t a super cohesive understanding. Many people I knew through synagogue didn’t even really believe in God. For them, Judaism was the cultural, community aspect. Much like many British folks might be Anglican, but only because they were raised with it in school, and with holidays, but not really believing in God themselves. Also there was (for me)a lack of personified version of God, or even clear definition made it hard to feel connected to God for me I think. Jesus from Jesus Christ Superstar sort of knocked on the door about that time and said “Hey, it’s me – have you learned where I came from yet?” – and I thought, yeah… Jesus was raised in this, in his time of course and he taught his understanding of his religion to Jews and non-Jews alike. There were some points within his religion that he felt needed a new explanation of, a new interpretation. He felt like the rabbis were missing the point, and he taught others about his understanding of God. The domino tipped, and the whole thing became much greater than its initial start, and in many ways worse, but there is something about the way God is expressed in Christianity that resonates with me.
So the end result is – I don’t believe that Jesus literally died for our sins and rose from the dead. I might believe that he ‘rose again’ allegorically because it was after he died that his full message of a personal God became truly wide spread. His message took on true life through his death, I might believe that we are ‘saved’ through Jesus because embracing a Christian path honestly can bring us to be the best versions of ourselves. However I don’t feel it’s the only way to be the best version of ourselves. Tikkun Olam does this as well, in Judaism, as does various other aspects of faith paths. I don’t feel we can ONLY be saved through Christianity, because that abandons so many of God’s children.
I do believe that God reaches us through various avenues. God of Abraham, the Wind in the Trees, the Great Spirit, Love – I think that each path offers the individual a particular wavelength to God, and some people are able to connect to God easier on one path than another, heavily influenced by one’s place of birth, status, culture, chemical make up etc.
I say all this, and I have much skepticism, but in the end I keep coming back to Christianity. I love my Tallit, my kippah, my menorah, my Shabbat. I love reciting the Jewish prayers – this God is also Jesus’ God. But Jesus introduced the world to a different relationship with God, a different Way. Through Jesus we ended up with the words of Thomas Merton, Richard Rohr, Cynthia Bourgeault and many others. Jesus’s way of introducing God to us as a parent, as one who is more concerned with what comes OUT of our mouths than what we put in it, is the God that I understand. And while I do not subscribe to the theology as truth in a Factual sort of way, I do subscribe to it as a truth of the heart.
So, as of June of 2025, I returned to Christianity, as an Anglican.
I have also joined a Franciscan order – inclusive and ecumenical, and this time I do feel like I’m home. I mean… I keep coming back to Christianity. I explored so many religions in between, and as much as I am skeptical of it, questioning of it, arguing with it – I come back here. It feels right.
In the Wind 