It’s Thursday. Normally a work day but I swapped today and yesterday so that I could go to an appt for my foot/feet. The appointment was uneventful. the foot doctor sent me for an x-ray and said ‘come back in 20 min’ so I did that and once back he looked at the x-ray and said that the lump on my foot is a ganglion cyst attached to some arthritis on my mid foot. This is what I’ve thought for a while now, but it’s nice to have an actual specialist tell me this. He was nice, though it was a bit of a wait before he got to me.
So, as I wrote a month or so ago I’ve had some spiritual dilemma stuff going on. Maybe it’s the Palestine/Israel ongoings, maybe it’s the very non-mystical, kind of protestant type of Synagogue that I (rarely get to) attend, but I’ve felt very disconnected from God. I realize God isn’t found in a building, or even within a specific group of people. I realize that all religions are made up to express a set of ideas and beliefs about God. Does Judaism express my belief of God? Does it express the way I understand God? I don’t know.
Anyhow, I was looking for my Thomas Merton – Book of Hours this past winter. I couldn’t find it anywhere. I decided to order a new one off Amazon, and rather than buy one brand new, expensive and a bit slow to arrive, I found a used one that was less expensive and I believe faster to arrive.
Upon receiving it, I flipped through it, and saw there were many markings on the pages. Notes from the previous owner. I was a bit pissed about this because I enjoy the book as a form of meditation, and all the markings felt distracting.
I looked further and saw on the first pages a sticker with the previous owner’s name – Sr. Jan Koelzer . A nun. How perfect – a nun reading my favourite collection of poetry and writings written by a monk. Anyhow, for whatever reason I thought that was just so spot on – now these markings held a different meaning. I could imagine this Sister Jan reading through thoughtfully, taking some joy from these works.
I’m glad I chose it.
Then this morning, before my foot doctor appointment, I decided to try to get another copy of my baptismal certificate, since I couldn’t find mine. I sent for it in 2017, but had since lost it and so sent for another. (then found my original not long after, of course). On a whim I also sent off a contact message to the local Roman Catholic church. In the email I said I was having a crisis of faith and would it be possible to speak to a pastor at the church. I also asked if the Anticipated Mass would count as a proper service for someone who must work on Sundays – you know, just in case I decided to attend mass for the first time in 30 years. I then left for my appointment.
Walking to the appointment, my brain was full of questions – why am I searching? why do I care? – I prayed silently to myself “help me know the way God, just let me know what to do”, and continued walking. I don’t remember how much time passed between this little prayer, and the moment that I spotted a shiny dime on the sidewalk, maybe 30 seconds, not very long anyhow, but shortly after I saw the glint of it laying in front of me. I saw a lot of dimes after my daughter passed away, and collected them in little stacks. My friend who lost her daughter also kept finding dimes after her girl passed away. Was finding this dime, right after that prayer a sign that I was on the right path? It definitely felt hopeful.
I arrived at my appointment and as I sat and waited for the office assistant to call my name I checked my emails and someone from the church had got back to me telling me that “Yes, it counts as a Sunday full service with communion”, and that she would forward my contact to the priest to set up an appointment with me. Also, on the way home, walking past the church I saw snowdrops under the church sign. My sweet daughter’s birth flower ❤
So, I don’t know.
I said the Rosary today, but in order to sit at my prayer table and say the Rosary I had to move the bag that contains our Kippah and prayer shawls off of the stool. I held them for a moment. I love so much about Judaism. I love so much about Catholicism. Such a strange and uncomfortable spot to sit in.
To be continued…
(updated November 2025 – I actually went to meet the priest at the Catholic church and we had a good chat. I did attend a few services, but being in church and unable to partake in the eucharist really felt horrible. So, I met with the new priest at the Anglican church I used to attend and am back there now. It feels like home. I will always love Catholicism, and even Orthodoxy, but there are things within their dogmas that I can’t make peace with)
In the Wind 